Are we there yet?
by Neon1
Summary: ARE they there yet? Find out! And what's with all the commercial slogans? R+R
1. Default Chapter

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" repeated Cluney.  
  
He had been repeating this sentence for 4.42 hours now; it was safe to say that it was getting annoying.  
  
"Why is he in Redwall Abbey anyway?" questioned Mortimer, referring to Cluney.  
  
"She wanted the comedy relief near the action." shrugged Veil.  
  
"_Who_ wanted him here?" asked Mortimer.  
  
"Da class o' 64!" answered Matthias spontaneously.  
  
"Wha?" asked Veil, confused.  
  
"Reward your curiosity!" replied Matthias determinedly. (a/n: Vanilla coke rocks!)  
  
".THAT'S IT!!! Sit in the corner!" the ancient Abbot ordered.  
  
Matthias shrugged and skipped to the corner and sat in it, facing the wall.  
  
Suddenly, he started repeating: "Flirt with something new!" over and over again. And with Matthias saying "Flirt with something new!" and Cluney saying "Are we there yet?" well, it was pretty darned annoying.  
  
Finally, Veil snapped.  
  
"WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, CLUNEY!!!" screamed the stressed ferret.  
  
Cluney just sat there, stunned.  
  
Martin took this point to parade into the room with a microphone. He started singing, "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog" by Elvis.  
  
Now this was alright, the Redwall dwellers were Elvis fans, but the fact that Martin only new that one line: "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog" and was singing it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and, well, you get the idea, was pretty annoying, and the fact that Matthias hadn't stopped saying "Flirt with something new!" made it VERY annoying.  
  
"SHUDDUP!!!" screamed the Abbot.  
  
Martin stopped, but Matthias didn't, so the coke slogan continued.  
  
Martin then walked over to the old mouse and leant over so their faces were only inches apart.  
  
"IT WAS YOU!!!" screamed the warrior quite suddenly, making the old mouse jump 2.4 feet in the air.  
  
Martin then ran away screaming the ketchup song at the top of his lungs.  
  
For some reason Cluney pulled out a blow-up baseball bat and started bopping the creatures in the room on the head with it.  
  
"Could you stop that?" Veil asked kindly.  
  
"Yep." replied Cluney, continuing to bop everyone.  
  
"Will you?" the young ferret asked politely.  
  
"Nope." replied Cluney, belting him extra hard over the head.  
  
Veil stood there, stunned, then his mind settled on revenge. The young ferret pulled a chainsaw the size of Brazil out of his non-existent pocket and chased after Cluney.  
  
Cluney, deciding that the chainsaw was slightly larger than him, ran off in the other direction screaming something about pineapples.  
  
"What is wrong with them?" asked Constance, shaking her head.  
  
"You're asking me?" gawked the Abbot.  
  
Matthias was still promoting new lemon coke. He likes it, I don't.  
  
(Scene break)  
  
Five minutes later, the chase was on. Veil still had a large chainsaw and wanted revenge. Suddenly, Veil and Cluney stopped in their tracks for in the middle of the hall stood (Dun-Dun-DUN) Swartt Sixclaw.  
  
"EEEK!!!" Cluney shrieked in horror, in a rather high-pitched girly voice.  
  
Swartt ignored this and turned to Veil.  
  
"Veil, (deep rasping breaths) I am your father." he said in a Darth type manner.  
  
"NOOOO- wait, I already knew that!" gasped Veil "You killed me! I hate you pop, I hate you!" he screamed, acting a bit like Scott Evil.  
  
Cluney looked a bit scared, he took a few careful steps out of the line of fire.  
  
Once again, my editor wont allow my blood and guts descriptions, but I'll tell you this, curtesy of Veils chainsaw, Swartt Sixclaw became Swartt Noclaw. You figure it out.  
  
(4 minutes later)  
  
Veil walked back into the room in up-most glee, Cluney close behind.  
  
"Hey, where's Martin and Matthias?" asked the once upon a timely evil rat.  
  
"We thought they were with you." said Constance.  
  
"Nope." replied Veil happily, still content with his fathers outcome.  
  
Suddenly the door burst open, Matthias walked in leading a shaken, shocked and somewhat horrified Martin.  
  
"What happened to him?" asked Brother Methuselah, Methuselah had flown in from Rio a few minutes ago.  
  
"Uhhh.we had an unfortunate incident with a pool filled with two tons of tic tacs." replied Matthias.  
  
"Tic tacs.so many tic tacs.ehhehehehe." muttered Martin, paranoid and twitching.  
  
"What happened?" asked Mortimer.  
  
Suddenly Martin grabbed the Abbot by the collar and pulled him right up to his face.  
  
"DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY HOURS OF TIC TAC FRESHNESS I HAVE NOW!?! DO YOU!?! HUH!?! ANSWER ME!!!" screamed Redwalls first warrior into the old mouse's face.  
  
"Great, huh?" Cluney grinned cheesily.  
  
The tic tac refreshed warrior dropped the Abbot and slowly walked up to Cluney, glaring daggers at him.  
  
"What?" exclaimed Cluney, confused.  
  
"(glare) You would think it's great, wouldn't you?" said the glaring mouse in mono-tone.  
  
(3 minutes later)  
  
"Paint.must paint.everything cleeeeeeeeeeeeeean." the Scurge muttered, painting one vertical strip of yellow paint on the wall, staring blankly ahead.  
  
"I didn't know you could use that many bad words in one sentence." Matthias muttered to Veil.  
  
"Or that loudly." the ferret muttered back.  
  
Martin had snapped, he shouted at the poor rat so loudly he broke several sound barriers. And as for bad words and names, well, the warrior went through the alphabet twice.  
  
"I still can't believe he broke Cluney." said the ferret, shaking his head.  
  
"Yeah." replied Matthias watching Cluney paint.  
  
"Hey!" yelled the old Abbot, running up to Cluney "You can't paint this place yellow!"  
  
Cluney paused from painting and slowly turned his head to face the Abbot.  
  
"Why not?" he asked with a sweet, yet forced smile on his face.  
  
"Because this is REDwall, you idiot!" yelled the dumb old mouse.  
  
"Did you just call me an idiot?" Cluney asked kindly, still smiling sweetly.  
  
Matthias gulped and covered Veils eyes with his paw.  
  
(Ten minutes later)  
  
It was rather lucky that Matthias had covered Veils eyes. There was now blood and paint everywhere. When Veil asked him where Abbot Mortimer was, he simply answered that he'd gone to a better place.  
  
Now everyone was bored again, Cluney was painting his one vertical, Matthias was quoting commercial slogans, Veil was bouncing a ping pong ball against the wall and everyone else was.well.HEY, where WAS everyone else?  
  
"Hey, where's everyone else?" Veil asked the others for a hopefully straight answer.  
  
"Paint.heehee.heehee." Cluney muttered.  
  
"Oookay.do you know were they went, Matthias?" asked the ferret.  
  
"Hmmm." said Matthias; rubbing his chin in thought "My spider sense is tingling." he answered thoughtfully.  
  
"You aint a spider and you got no sense," Veil informed him "now come on! We gotta find 'em!" said Veil in a determined sorta way.  
  
He first went to Cluney and started shaking him violently.  
  
"Getta hold of yourself man!" he screamed in the rats face, tearing him away from his painted strip which was getting slightly 3D "We've got a job to do!"  
  
"To the bat-mobile!" exclaimed Matthias, pointing ahead.  
  
The warrior then ran in the direction he was pointing in.  
  
"MATTHIAS, STOP!" cried Veil "THAT'S A GLASS (smack) door."  
  
That 'smack' was Matthias running face-first into a glass door.  
  
Cluney couldn't help but snicker as Matthias slid down the glass leaving an imprint of his face on it. (a/n: Look, I don't know what a glass door is doing in Redwall either, OK?)  
  
At this moment Martin skipped into the room singing 'Do wa diddy'.  
  
"Hold this." said Cluney, passing his paintbrush to Martin as he and Veil went to see if Matthias was still alive.  
  
Martin looked at the paintbrush and shrugged, he started using it like a microphone, he then started singing:  
  
"It's murder on the dance floor, so you'd better not steal the groove, DJ, gonna burn this god damned house right down-"  
  
"Give me that!" snapped Veil, snatching the paintbrush from Martin "So, where were you?"  
  
Yes, where WAS Martin? Find out in the next chapter of ARE WE THERE YET?  
  
Neon: Hi it's me! I just wanna point out that I might take a while with the next chapter, I haven't finished writing it yet.and that's even if I post it.Oh well! C'YA!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Redwall or any of those slogans! 


	2. Doughnut king, the greatest tasting doug...

Neon: Wow, this took less time then I thought it would, I'd like to thank everyone who gave a positive review. ENJOY!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Oh, nowhere really, I just got caught up in this big huge conspiracy between Basil Stag-hare, some squirrel named Verdasko, two space aliens and an intergalactic cruiser." shrugged Martin.  
  
".Explain." ordered Veil.  
  
"Well, it all started-"  
  
(2 hours later)  
  
"-and that's why circles are round." finished Martin, totally off the topic.  
  
At this point, Matthias was asleep, Cluney was just staring blankly and drooling slightly, and Veils eyes were brimming with tears.  
  
"(sniffle) That was so beautiful." exclaimed the teary-eyed ferret.  
  
"Well, that was short." exclaimed Matthias sarcastically, waking up.  
  
"So, what do we do now?" asked Martin.  
  
"We wake up Cluney." explained Matthias, waving his paw in front of Cluneys face "I think you put him in a coma."  
  
Quite suddenly, Cluney sprang to his feet.  
  
"Doughnut king, the greatest tasting doughnuts in the world!" yelled the rat spontaneously.  
  
Now, how do you know that?" asked Veil "You haven't had every type of doughnut in the world, how do you know Doughnut king's is the greatest tasting?"  
  
"Cos the slogan says so, duh!" sighed Cluney, rolling his eyes.  
  
"How do you know the slogan was telling the truth?" sneered Veil.  
  
"It said so on TV, TV doesn't lie man!" exclaimed Cluney.  
  
"This'll take a while." Matthias muttered to Martin who nodded.  
  
"Look, all I'm saying is that you have to try every doughnut in the world before you can decide which one the greatest tasting is!" exclaimed Veil.  
  
"There's no point! Doughnut king is the greatest! THE GREAT-EST!!!" Cluney shouted.  
  
"Oh yeah? Prove it!" Veil challenged.  
  
"Ok, I will!" Cluney yelled, taking a deep breath.  
  
(5.3 hours later)  
  
"And THAT is why doughnuts have holes!" Cluney finished.  
  
"Wow.doughnut king's ARE the greatest tasting doughnuts in the world." said Veil in awe.  
  
Cluney looked triumphant.  
  
"Great! Next you'll be able to tell us why chickens can't fly!" exclaimed Matthias sarcastically.  
  
"What are you, stupid?!?" gawked Martin "Chickens CAN fly, dumb-dumb. What rock have you been livin' under?"  
  
"Chickens can't fly." sighed Matthias, shaking his head at his friends stupidity.  
  
"Can too!" yelled Martin.  
  
"Can not!" Matthias yelled back.  
  
"Oh yeah? Then why do they have wings?" sneered Martin.  
  
"What a bunch of children." sighed Veil "How can they argue over something so pointless?"  
  
"One of life's mysteries I guess. Lucky we're not like that." said Cluney, watching Martin take Matthias in a headlock.  
  
(4 minutes later)  
  
"So, tell me more about this conspiracy." said Veil.  
  
"Oh, well Basil teamed up with this squirrel named Vedasko, they then became friends with two space aliens named Watchamacallit and George."  
  
"George?"  
  
"Ya, George. And Watchamacallit and George have this intergalactic space ship and the four of them have plans for universal domination and are gonna take over the universe and anyone who stands in their way they'll blow to smithereens." exclaimed Martin on one breath, leaving him gasping for air.  
  
Veil just stood there, open-mouthed and wide-eyed.  
  
"We gotta stop 'em." the ferret concluded.  
  
"Hey, you're right!" gasped Martin in amazement.  
  
"Hey guys!" Veil yelled to Cluney and Matthias, who were playing ping pong "Me and Martin are gonna go save the universe, wanna come with?"  
  
Matthias and Cluney shrugged.  
  
"Nothin' else to do." said Matthias as he and Cluney abandoned their game.  
  
"Only one problem." Martin brought up as the others stared at him "I have no idea where their ship is and by the time we find it it'll probably be to late." he finished in a small voice.  
  
"." The others stared at him.  
  
(Somewhere on the spaceship, 4 minutes later)  
  
"That was easy." observed Matthias.  
  
"A little to easy if you ask me." Cluney muttered.  
  
The others stopped in shock.  
  
"My gosh, he's right!" gasped Veil, frightened.  
  
"Hey, that IS scary!" shrieked Cluney, revising the words in his head.  
  
The other two agreed.  
  
(2 minutes later)  
  
The four companions were still quite shaken about Cluney being right, I mean, who wouldn't be?  
  
Quite suddenly, a squirrel jumped out of a broom closet right in front of them.  
  
It was quite an odd squirrel.  
  
It was wearing an old army suit and had a bandana wrapped around its fore head, for some reason it had patches of glitter attached to itself with glue. It also had a tommy-gun aimed at their heads.  
  
The four companions noted this.  
  
"I am Verdasko." said the squirrel, very quickly.  
  
"." the four companions were silent.  
  
"SILENCE!' screamed the squirrel.  
  
The four-some remained silent.  
  
"Damn right!" said Verdasko, as if he had shut them up. "The only way you can pass is if you beat me in a game of intellect. If you lose you will be dead. Oh yes. Very dead. Very very dead. You will be so dead that even my cousin Harry would be surprised by it. Of course, I don't have a cousin Harry. Not anymore anyway. But you'll still be dead. Oh yes. As dead as dead can be. You'll be so dead, you'll be deader then dead. Well not really. You can't be deader then dead. But still-" the squirrel rambled on.  
  
The four companions looked at each other and shrugged before just walking past the rambling squirrel.  
  
Verdasko didn't notice, he was still saying how dead they'd be.  
  
"-Yes. Very dead. You can't escape your deaths. You'll be in hell very very soon. Unless you become one of the undead from Warcraft 3. But I think you have to be Undead to-" Verdasko the glittery squirrel rambled on.  
  
(10 minutes later)  
  
Martin, Veil, Matthias and Cluney were walking casually through one of the metallic space ships many halls. NOTE: It is a very big space ship.  
  
"You reckon he's noticed we're gone yet?" piped up Matthias.  
  
"Who cares? He'll realize eventually and hunt us down, no matter how far we get." muttered Cluney.  
  
The other three stopped in shock.  
  
"STOP BEING RIGHT!!!" screamed Veil.  
  
"Yeah! It's scary!" yelled Martin.  
  
"Sorry!" snapped Cluney.  
  
Matthias didn't say anything; he was staring at something behind Cluney.  
  
Veil and Martin followed his gaze and gulped when they saw what it was.  
  
"What? What is it?" said Cluney.  
  
Cluney turned around, and gasped.  
  
Oooo, cliffy! What did they see? Find out in chapter 3 of ARE WE THERE YET?  
  
Neon: Heh-heh, sorry. I just HAD to do that. Tell me if I should start writing a chapter 3! BYE!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Redwall or doughnut king.  
  
Claimer: I DO own Verdasko the glittery squirrel. Don't steal him please. 


	3. chapter titles are hard to think up

Neon: CHAPTER 3!!! YAAAAAAAAAY!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
At this point they all shrieked in horror at who else but Nikki Webster (shudder)  
  
"What are you doing here?" asked Veil cautiously.  
  
"Nothing." said Nikki, doing a funky little dance that was about 5 yrs too old for her.  
  
The foursome was creeped out.  
  
It was time for sharp, pointy objects.  
  
(10 minutes later)  
  
"Well, this is just greeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaat!" exclaimed Martin sarcastically.  
  
Sure, they had made the world a better place by ridding it of music's greatest disaster, Nikki, but they had been caught by two aliens.  
  
Yes, aliens.  
  
It doesn't really matter what the aliens look like, I can't really be bothered with a description.  
  
The important thing is that their names are Watchamacallit and George.  
  
Yes, George.  
  
They were now in a jail, cell, cage, sorta thing.whatever.  
  
"I didn't know this thing had a cell." muttered Matthias.  
  
"Hey guys!" yelled Cluney, jumping to his feet "Let's do the 'Hokey Pokey'!"  
  
"Why would we want to do that?!?" yelled Veil.  
  
"Cause that's what it's all about!!!" answered Cluney, all excited.  
  
"Shut up!" yelled George, who was at the controls.  
  
Conveniently, the prison cell that our hero's were in was placed in the control room so the four companions could engage in conversation with the aliens. Kooky, huh?  
  
"You speak English?" Martin gasped in awe.  
  
"You've only just noticed that?" asked Watchamacallit, shocked.  
  
The aliens turned back to the controls. It was time to act.  
  
..Yep..it was time..nnnnnnnnnnnnow!  
  
Veil studied the surroundings for a moment, and gasped.  
  
He had a plan.  
  
"Guys, I have a plan!" he exclaimed.  
  
"What is it?" asked Martin.  
  
"Well, the cell door's open." explained Veil.  
  
"Yeah, so? What's your point?" asked Matthias.  
  
"." the others stared at him.  
  
(40 secs later)  
  
Veil had gone to rescue the Redwall creatures, Martin and Matthias had gone to make sure that Verdasko wasn't looking for them and find out where the heck Basil was.  
  
Cluney, on the other hand, was told to stay and distract the aliens. And that's where we are now.  
  
There was an awkward silence between the three.  
  
"It'll be Christmas soon." Cluney brought up.  
  
The aliens stared at him in shock, disbelief and somewhat pity.  
  
(Scene break)  
  
Martin and Matthias wandered aimlessly through the ship. They were looking for Basil.or Verdasko, it didn't really matter which.  
  
"This hall looks kinda familiar." Matthias pointed out.  
  
"Yeah." Martin agreed.  
  
They rounded a corner and stopped in their tracks.  
  
At the other end of the hall was Verdasko.  
  
The glittery squirrel with a tommy gun had his back to the two warriors and was still explaining their deaths.  
  
"Yes. Very dea- HEY! Where'd they go?" asked Verdasko, looking around.  
  
The squirrel turned around to find.nothing! Martin and Matthias, like anyone with half a brain would have done, had run off.  
  
(Scene break)  
  
We now join Veil on his never-ending quest to find the Redwallers. Well, we hope it WON'T be never-ending, but you get the idea.  
  
He then came to a fork in the hallway. One path was going right, and the other one was going in a different direction, probably left.  
  
Veil looked left, then right, and then left again.  
  
He then shrugged and just walked left, completely oblivious to the huge sign that was lit up in neon lights that said: 'Redwall prisoners this way' and was clearly pointing right.  
  
(Scene break)  
  
"-and that's why I have this spike on the end of my tail. Oh, and you wanna know how I lost my eye? -" Cluney had been boring everyone with his life story, ANNOYING!  
  
"KNOCK IT OFF!" George yelled at him.  
  
"Sorry!" snapped Cluney.  
  
There was another awkward silence.  
  
"Disko, disko duck!" Cluney blurted out, receiving shocked looks from the outer-space visitors.  
  
(Scene break)  
  
Veil whistled merrily as he walked through a random corridor.  
  
Suddenly, he ran into a bunny.  
  
And it wasn't just any bunny, it was a hare.  
  
And it wasn't just any hare, it was Basil Stag-hare.  
  
"AHHHH!!!" Veil shrieked in horror for some random reason.  
  
"OWWW!!!" yelled the hare, clutching his ears in pain ".wot wot." he added.  
  
"."  
  
"."  
  
The two creatures stood there in silence for a while.  
  
Just then, Basil was erased from the story line altogether. Why? Coz I say so. Plus his character wasn't going anywhere.  
  
".hurrah." said Veil, pumping his fist in victory.  
  
(Ten minutes later)  
  
Ten minutes later everyone was in the control room. Why? Coz the Redwallers suddenly remembered that they could apparate and the control room was the first place that came to mind.  
  
But everyone doesn't just mean the Redwallers, it also includes Verdasko, Veil, Cluney, Martin, Matthias and the two space aliens. Why? I do not know.  
  
Just then, Methuselah walked up to Veil.  
  
"Hey Veil," said Methuselah "wanna go to the White House?"  
  
"Why?" said Veil, confused.  
  
"Well, the voices may not be real but they gave me a pretty good plan." the brother rubbed his hands together evilly.  
  
"Riiiiiiiiight." said Veil, slowly backing away from him.  
  
Suddenly Cornflower was crushed by a large egg.  
  
"Indeed." said Matthias, noting his wife's death.  
  
At this point Martin walked in with a plate of Jell-O.  
  
"Hey guys, is Jell-O a fruit?" the mouse asked, indicating to the plate he was holding.  
  
Suddenly everyone, including Verdasko and the aliens, started up a conga line and they all stayed up all night eating Jell-O and playing chess.  
  
In the morning, Watchamacallit, George and Verdasko remembered that they were the bad guys and sentenced the Redwallers to the most horrible torture known to man. To watch Soap Operas (lightening crashes in the background).  
  
Just when this horrible fate was about to begin, a loud ooo-ing was heard from the controls.  
  
Everyone turned to see Cluney at the controls with his paw dangling only centimeters from a big, shiny, red button.  
  
"DON'T PUSH THAT BUTT-" George began.  
  
But, he was too late, Cluney had pushed the button.  
  
Unfortunately for everyone, that particular button was clearly labeled SELF- DESTRUCT. Too bad Cluney can't read.  
  
(Ten secs later)  
  
Now everyone was lying in a pile of rubble, well, ALMOST everyone.  
  
Verdasko had run off into the forest cackling about how his revenge would come on swift wings and the two aliens had gone home coz there's no place like home.  
  
But all the Redwallers lay in the pile of rubble, either unconscious or in shock.  
  
"Well Cluney, that's it." Veil stated blankly to the rat "I give up. I just don't care anymore."  
  
Cluney noted this.  
  
"I still have one question, Veil." Cluney stated to the young ferret.  
  
"What is it, Cluney?" Veil sighed.  
  
Cluney answered simply with a shrug:  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
  
  
THE END  
  
Neon: WOOHOO!!! I finished! Sorry for the delay, tell me if ya liked it PLEEEEEEEEEEEEZ!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Redwall or any thing else.  
  
Claimer: I DO own Verdasko, Watchamacallit and George. 


End file.
